Gosh, I long suspected that I was secretly a terrorist. Now, thanks to Texas Department of Public Safety Criminal Law Enforcement pamphlet (front, back) on terrorism, it is quite clear that, yes, I am indeed a terrorist:
What are some characteristics of Terrorists?
* Typically focused and committed to their cause. Check. I don't know what my cause is, but if I had a cause, I'm sure I'd be focused and committed to it, no doubt. After all, that's why they call it a cause, rather than a hobby or a job.
* Team oriented and very disciplined. I can't be accused of being "disciplined" by any stretch of imagination but heck, that could be because I'm actually such a sneaky terrorist that I'm merely pretending not to be disciplined (part of my "looking normal" schtick-- see below.) Oh, and I took a whole course on "team building" at work once!
* Trained to be familiar with their physical environment whether it be a 747 jumbo jet or a courthouse. Check. Went to law school, was trained in the "physical environment" of courthouses. I also have been known to fly in jumbo jets (flapping my arms really hard hasn't worked out thus far as a mode of travel.) Come to think of it, I am usually pretty familiar with my physical environment...since it is my physical environment. Coincidence? I think not!
* Will employ a variety of vehicles and communicate predominately by cellphone, E Mail or text messenging services. Check. Heck I'm using one of those fancy communication devices EVEN RIGHT NOW! What gall! And I don't drive but just today, I rode a ferry, a taxi and a train...and even rode an elevator and I think an escalator too - twice! (Note to self: learn to use smoke-signals.)
* Well prepared to spend years in "sleeper mode" until it comes time to attack. Absolutely. I could go into attack mode at any moment! I don't even know when myself...but naturally that's only because the "time to attack" has not yet come.
* In many cases may appear to fit in and not draw attention to themselves. Check. Ever since I sold the clown shoes and red rubber nose, I fit in and I think I don't draw attention.
* Will appear normal in appearance and behavior while portraying themselves as a tourist, student or business person. OMG! I have appeared normal for years! And I have been a businessman, tourist or student (or combinations there of) on many occasions in that time!
* May be found traveling in mixed groups of men, women and children of varying ages who are unaware of their purpose. Check. I have traveled in mixed groups, and I am not aware of my purpose either.
* Trained to avoid confrontations with law enforcement and therefore can be expected to portray a "nice guy" image. Note to self: next time you see a cop, attempt to punch him in the face or cuss out his mother.
* Known to use disguises or undergo plastic surgery especially when featured on police wanted posters Check. I had braces once.
Well, that about proves it: I'm a terrorist. But in case there's any doubt, the rest of the characteristics of terrorists noted on the pamphlet makes me a terrorist without a doubt: I have taken courses in self-defense, SCUBA diving and flying airplanes; I have purchased a GPS unit (in fact my cellphone has one built in along with a camera) and I even walk to and from work carrying notebooks and pens. Oh, and I go walking, biking or driving next to government buildings and other potential target sites, "without specific and valid reasons."
That pretty much settles it. What more possible evidence of suspicion can I expect? (Addendum: Large purchases of alcohol? By God! most of my law school classmates were terrorists too! Who knew?! I wonder if they knew our secret handshake...)
Well, Islam == terrorism. So, YES, you are the terrorist. Enjoy your "get laid in Allah's whore house in hell/heaven for mass murders" religion. lol!
Posted by: Ozzy | May 23, 2008 at 02:59 AM
A terrorist is a person who kills other people for the purpose of using terror itself to promote their political ambitions. Terrorists use these killings to create psychological warfare and propaganda. Terrorists are known for their absolute lack of humanity, honesty and respect for human life.
If you support or aid organizations that murder people for political or religious reasons and incite fear, hate and intolerance...you might be a terrorists or just a typical mainstream Muslim, as that Islam is the religion of terrorists, thanks to the teachings of a dark age slave owning pedophile that worshiped a evil moon god.
Thank you for making light of the 10,000+ acts of Islam terrorism committed since 9/11.
Posted by: Ozzy | May 23, 2008 at 02:35 AM
Ed. Response: How about "This is a stupid war on terror" Anyway, these sorts of corny things are fun to keep around - sorta like the atomic war movies from the 1950s which told every that duck-and-cover would save you ass from getting smoked.
Posted by: Cyrus | May 13, 2008 at 02:10 PM
I'm guilty! I fit the profile. Take me to Gitmo! Thank God I found out how dangerous I was before it was too late! You stooges!
And I used to think that Texans were...smart. I guess stupid, dumb, dysfunctional and drooling is the best way to show your patriotism in Texas...just like our current selected President!
Posted by: Diogenes | May 13, 2008 at 01:38 PM
Not that this isn't a good post, it's great in fact, but is there a point beside "this is a stupid pamphlet"?
Posted by: Alireza | May 13, 2008 at 01:20 PM
Laugh about it, Cyrus. But you're probably on the list. Not so funny when you think about it.
(Ed Response: Oh, I know for a fact that I am on lists. I was "caught" taking photographs of a public building -- which is perfectly legal -- and the cop specifically told me that my name would go on a list. Lots of us photographers are on that list. Probably more too.)
Posted by: accused american | May 13, 2008 at 11:21 AM